No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Found the puke drawer
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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