Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize