I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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