Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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