Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
