If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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