Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
