I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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