I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A+ Viking dick
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
