A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
