It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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