I'm going to jail i love you
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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