My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
