Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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