Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
