I don't usually arrange sex via text message
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
