My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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