I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaĆt comercial?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridgeš¤
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Two words: nipple clamps
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