Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
