Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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