So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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