Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
