god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
