and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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