I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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