ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
