i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
