I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
