U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
