a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
