I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
