I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
