She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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