Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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