Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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