Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize