We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
