i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
