I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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