his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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