It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just want nice things and good sex
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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