I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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