So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
