at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
