I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
