my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
