I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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