my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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