i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
