She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
