Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
