BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
