what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
