Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
