So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
