you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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