She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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