you didnt know i had herpes?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize