he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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