Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
