and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
