your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
