your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How external is "for external use only"?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
