hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
