you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
