i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
