i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
